LEADERSHIP BRIEFING -- CONFIDENTIAL
UJC today announced a new partnership with the Neturei Karta to bring 1,500,000 Russian Israeli Jews to the United States from the State of Israel. An unnamed most senior UJC official stated: "When Israeli Russians began to live in fear for their futures in Israel, we had no choice but to rescue them -- otherwise our system would stand for nothing...absolutely nothing. We thank the Neturei Karta, our partner, for bringing this terrible situation to our attention." A Rebbe for Neturei Karta told this Reporter: "Keiner zet nisht zayn eigenerm boyker." (A translator reported: "No one sees his own hunchback." When asked for further clarification, the Neturi Karta Rebbe winked.)
A Jewish Agency spokesman expressed incredulity. The new Prime Minister asked: "Are UJC's leaders nuts?" Howard's View sprung this surprise with typical eloquence: "We finally found our Big Idea. Our philanthropy brought these Jews from captivity to freedom in Israel; now, with the federations' help, and through our partnership with Neturei Karta, we can bring them back to captivity in the midst of our freedom in America...land of the free, home of the brave. The Voice of One, the Power of Many; or the Voice of Many, the Power of One. Anywhere a Jew is in trouble, UJC will be there for them...unless they are in Galveston or Houston."
Asked to estimate the cost, the most senior UJC professional responded, "...given the excellent job done in Israel, we think we can resettle them here for about $50,000 a person." When told that would be a total cost of $7.5 billion, Rieger replied, "No, you're way off, that's no more than $75 million and the Neturei Karta are putting up $2.5 million." We sat UJC leadership down and explained: 1.5 million Russians x $50,000 each = $7.5 billion." Two UJC leaders passed out, one said, "uh oh," and Joe Kanfer stated: "I'll raise that personally. I'll travel the country talking to mega-donors. It will be a snap to raise this money." Then the other UJC leader passed out. (Luckily, UJC has only five leaders.) The most senior UJC professional said: $75 million, $7.5 billion, what's the difference? The federations have it and we'll get it." And, with that, Kanfer fainted.
A political head of Israeli Russian Jewry responded: "Maybe 500,000 want to leave but that's all -- and they want to go back to Mother Russia -- or they did until the economy cratered there. Between the Neturei Karta, who hate Israel more than they apparently love God, and UJC, who just want to be able to claim they accomplished something...anything...I think Israel's Russian community will be fine right here. Besides, who is going to buy their apartments and homes?"
UJC announced:"Our goal is to get all 1,500,000 here for Pesach. Seders have been arranged all over Williamsburg." When told that Pesach is but two weeks away, UJC responded: "Then we had better hurry up." The Neturei Karta announced that in anticipation of the arrival of the Russian Israelis, they would forebear from burning Israeli flags for the next month freeing their entire male population to supervise their wives' cleanup of their homes so as to welcome the "new Americans." A nahr bleit a nahr or something like that. (The translator had left.)
A U.S. State Department official, demanding anonymity, asserted, "This is a big, big surprise for us. I'm not sure that we even have enough Visa forms. Do they know we're in a recession?" Asked to elaborate, he handed this reporter a hand-printed statement: "Even though we at the U.S. State Department love Jews today as we always have, there is no f'___'in chance one of these people are getting into the good old U.S. of A., let alone 1.5 million." He closed with a message for the Neturei Karta and UJC: "Mentsch tracht. Gott lacht."
Asked to respond, Howard Rieger stated: "Once we get the Russians here, the Ethiopians will be next." Then Rieger was asked: "What about the 110 Yemeni Jews?" He replied: "What Yemeni Jews? What are you talking about? We have nothing to do with Yemen." This reporter was escorted from the room.
April Fools -- all of them. But, be careful when at your Seders you open your door to let Eliyahu in.